Happy Birthday Sheppard

Sheppard, this is the story of how you came into this world. How I found out I had a son. How the labor and birth of you was so completely different than my first experience. This will most likely be long, but I hope one day you will be grateful for these words. When my memory will no longer store the details, you can find them here.

Early on in my pregnancy I was worried, and prepared that I might go well past my due date. Your sister took 2 extra weeks to hang out in my womb and she still had to be forced out. So I was ready to do all the tricks to get you to come out relatively on time. This included, acupuncture, walking, eating dates, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, bouncing on an exercise ball, listening to hypnobirthing tracks, and taking evening primrose oil. At one point we were looking at a possible c-section because you were in the breach position, but I did a bunch of crazy exercises, like laying upside down on an ironing broad leaned against a couch with an icepack at the top of my belly and loud music playing at the bottom of my belly. Between the exercises and some acupuncture you flipped, hooray!

The day I went into labor with you I had no idea that it would be that day. It was a Thursday, it was a warm sunny day, and I put my flower crown on to brighten my day. I was a little sad I was still pregnant with you. It wasn't helping that 4 other ladies I knew that were due at the same time, or after me had their babies in their arms, and I was still waddling around with you in my belly. I went to my midwife appointment, and we talked about induction. They didn't want me to go past 41 weeks since I had developed gestational diabetes. So your eviction date was scheduled for Sunday morning. The midwife checked me and I was dilated 2, almost 2.5 cm, she did a sweep and sent me on my way with positive thoughts that I wouldn't make it to my scheduled induction. I called your Papa when I was done with the appointment, and cried to him worried about being induced again, saying how I just wanted to go into labor on my own.

From my midwife appointment I went to acupuncture. She said she was going to go hard core with me this time to really encourage you to come out. So I had 6 points hooked up to the E-Stim, I sat in the room, quietly talking to you, letting you know it was safe and we were ready for you to come. Shortly after we had our "talk" I started to feel contractions. I didn't think anything of them though because for a couple nights before that day I was feeling contractions almost all night long. After the appointment, I picked up your sister at your Nana's house and we went to your Papa's work to pick him up so we could all get dinner. He was planning on working late to make sure he had everything done before you came. Right when we were pulling into the Mexican restaurant I got a good, breath taking contraction.  I looked at your Papa and said, "whoa that was the real deal". We parked the car at the restaurant and when I stepped out I felt some water trickle down my legs...and I was pretty sure I didn't pee myself. I couldn't believe that my water broke, we decided not to eat at the restaurant as your Papa had work to finish up, and you were for sure on your way.

We went to your Nana and B Pa's house since they were going to take care of your sister while we were at the hospital. Papa said he would just be a hour at work so I decided to wait at Nana and B  Pa's house. She was cooking dinner, and your B Pa and uncle Jesse were watching some football. My contractions were coming pretty consistently and I was really feeling the need to be at my house and get my things in order before we needed to go to the hospital. I called my midwife to let her know my water had broken, and she told me to labor at home as long as I could and come in when things got "real". Nana took me to my house and my parents met me there. I also had a Doula meet me there because I was participating in her doctorate study on labor.

When we got to the house they all went to work to take all the furniture and boxes out of the bedrooms because we were getting new carpet put in our new home we just bought the next morning. It was all pretty chaotic, but I was feeling so excited that you were on your way soon. Your Papa finally made it home, and I labored at home for as long as I could. Everyone went home and just waited to hear from us. Contractions started to get harder, and closer together, I hopped in the shower and told Brian we needed to head to the hospital soon. The drive to the hospital was really bad, having to sit still for contractions, feeling nauseous, and eventually throwing up--it was not a pretty scene.

We got to the hospital around 11pm, they put us in a room and a nurse checked me and told me I was 4cm dilated. I will be honest, I was pretty disappointed I wasn't more dilated. I couldn't talk or concentrate through the contractions at this point and it felt like they were coming fast. The nurse kept telling me to lay in the bed to either monitor me, put my iv lock in, get a blood sample, or check to verify that my water had broken. I HATED being in the bed, I just wanted to move around. At one point she said she wasn't sure I would be admitted yet, and I was about to scream at her, but shortly after my midwife came and told her I was staying as I was obviously in labor.

When I was finally able to get out of the bed I wanted to labor in water. Brian filled the tub for me and I was able to climb in. It felt great, but after only a few minutes in the water I started to feel the urge to push. The sensation took over my whole body, and I was grunting and yelling like crazy. At this point I was crying and unsure what to do. My midwife told me I really needed to try and get to the bed as the bathroom was too small to fit all of us for the delivery. The tub walls came up above my knees so I had to try to stop myself from pushing and climb over the tub wall and walk to the bed. Somehow it happened! Later Brian said I did it all on my own and he had no idea how I got out of the tub.

I crawled onto the bed on all fours, and had some crazy hard and painful pushing contractions, and you were born just minutes later. They placed you between my legs and up into my arms, it was that moment that I looked down saw you in all your glory and yelled out it's a BOY! You were so perfect and little, you had the sweetest little cry. I moved onto my back and just cuddled you close to my chest. Your papa was so surprised to hear that you were a boy, and so glad to see that you and I were healthy. You were born at 1:43am and came faster than anyone expected! We had planned on having your Momo there when you were born, and our friend Cassie to take pictures, but they all showed up about 10-15 minutes after you were born. For you first hour you just got to lay on my chest, and nurse--you knew how to eat straight from the beginning!

When you were finally weighed and measured you were 7lbs 12oz, and 20in long. They laid you in the warmer crib and you instantly rolled onto your side--so crazy how strong you were! We also noticed you had a birthmark on your arm--I think it is cool, but you might hate it at some point. You picked your birthday, September 5th, 2014. You came fast and easy...well compared to your sisters labor and birth. You are prefect, and my heart grew so much when I saw you for the first time. My wonderful little boy, Sheppard Jeffrey Johnson.

Sister Bear

Big sister. That is what you are going to be a few short weeks. No longer will you be my only baby, my littlest love, my only child. This thought breaks my heart. My love for you is HUGE. I cherish my time with you. Some days are hard, really hard. But in those moments when I get to kiss your hurts, snuggle you close while you cry, watch you learn and explore, test your limits, I try to remember that these moments are short in your life. It won’t be long until you won’t let me give you kisses, or hug you when you’re hurt. It won’t be long before you are no longer my baby.

These days you’re spunky and sweet. You love animals and your family, you get so excited when papa comes home from work, and you laugh and run around, ready for him to play with you. You have a special relationship with each of your grandparents. You know your Grandpa (who you’ve started calling P-Pa) will take you on a walk outside if you gently grab his hand and say “outside?” You love hanging out with Nana when she is getting ready, playing in the shower, trying on shoes, having her brush your hair. With your Grandaddy (who you call Gaddy) you also get him to take you outside, to take their dog Max (who you call Mass) for a walk or to go feed the fish. You and Momo have a great time together, lately you have been hanging out at her office while I go to my prenatal appointments, she lets you sit at her desk and use all her pens to draw.

These last few months I have been trying to remember you just as you are, with your little curls in the back of your head, your sweet girly laugh, your love for cheese, the way you say words, your cute mannerisms, your soft touches on my arm when you’re tired, and the way you are constantly talking in your own language but look at us so intensely like we should know exactly what you’re saying. However, it is hard, because every day you are changing and growing.

Soon you will grow into a new role, have a new identity, a new place in our family, and new responsibilities. You will be a big sister. I have no doubt you will do great, by nature you care about others, you sympathize, and want others (even animals) to feel loved. I just hope I can ease into my new role as easy as I know you will.

Everyone tells me there is enough love in me for another baby, but sometimes I wonder, when I look at how much I love you, how that is possible. I guess we will have to wait and see. You are going to have to be patient with me, there are times when I won’t be able to sing you a goodnight song, or kiss your hurts, or help you brush your teeth, or sit and snuggle while we watch Frozen. These things will have to be done with other people in your life. I know, however, that it will only make our time together sweeter and even more important. My baby, my first born, my little love—thank you for making me a mother and preparing me to start this mothering thing all over again. 

Sister Bear Shirt

we're going going...back back...to....

Here are some pictures I took when we took a trip to Reno to visit family last month. Every time I visit, it feels like too quick of a trip, I never get to spend time with everyone I would like to, and the time I do have feels rushed and busy. Lately I have been feeling the pull or desire to be close to family, to help and do life with them...and hey, who am I kidding, get some free babysitting! And when we found out that we were going to be having baby #2, that pull was stronger than ever! Brian started to look for jobs, but it seemed like there was not much out there, which is why we moved to Portland in the first place. However, when Brian found out he passed his Professional Engineering Exam (HEYO!!), a job opportunity quickly opened up for him, and it all seemed more than coincidence. So we are in for a crazy change: in just a few weeks, we are going to pack up and move back to Reno!

This is a bittersweet move, we have been in Portland for 4 years, and are leaving some great things and people here. We moved to Portland with not really knowing anyone, what we would do, or what what would become of our lives. I grew up a ton in the past 4 years, I went to graduate school and got my Masters, and I started to work in area of counseling I previously knew nothing about.  I now have so much care and compassion for the teenage boys I have worked with. I became a mom, watched my baby grow to the cute and challenging toddler she is now, and Brian and I have experienced some of the best and hardest times in our marriage. I've met some wonderful people, had some great food, and have spent a lot of time in the rain.

So this is goodbye to Portland. Thanks for the things you have taught me, the growth I have experienced, and the changes that have happened. I am ready to move, and be taught more, have new and different challenges, and to have a bit more sunshine!

Celebration

This weekend was a celebration of many things. My 31st birthday at a tulip farm, Easter, and my 21st week of pregnancy with our sweet 2nd baby due late August 2014.

Eisley Spring I 2014

Spring time in Portland is really beautiful. Everything is green and blooming!

Dear Eisley...18 months

Dear Eisley,

Time has gone by faster than ever! It's been 6 month since your birthday. That day where I reflect on the last year I got to spend with you, getting to know your likes and dislikes. I thought I knew you so well, all those late nights and early mornings, providing for you, crying and laughing with you. I had no idea the amount of change that would happen over the past 6 months.

You have really changed into a little girl, so independent, curious, sassy, and loving. You are walking, running, and climbing everywhere. You love holding our hands and walking around, even if it is just in the house. For a while you would follow simple directions, like if I told you to go to the bathroom so we could change you, or it was time for bed so you would go to your room. Now you think it is so funny that if I ask you to go somewhere you run away in the opposite direction laughing loudly. Since we live in a tiny 600sf house, you can't go far before we catch you. Some other things you love doing is when papa throws you on the bed and you guys bounce and jump and wrestle. Speaking of jumping, it is so cute to watch you try. You act like you are counting 1,2,3 but you only say THREEEEE, then bend you knees and pop then straight, you never make it off the ground, but you sure do think you are doing the coolest trick ever.

You have turned into more of a cuddler lately, you give great kisses (and now they are closed mouth so not so slimy). I love how when you are tired or sad about something your little head nuzzles right into the spot between my neck and shoulder, it is like you fit perfect there. Sometimes you will crawl up onto the couch and sit next to me and just rest your little hand on my arm or leg, and slowly pat it while we watch TV or listen to music. I can just imagine how you might comfort others someday, with that same still, loving, calmness. You have also started to show a lot of love to a stuffed animal, we call him Mr. Bear. You have had a bunch of stuffed animals and dolls in a basket in your room since before you were born, and one day you went in, found Mr. Bear and have not stopped loving him since. It is so sweet, because he used to me my bear. Our dog brought him into the yard when I was 4 or 5 from who knows where. My mom washed it and patched up all of it's holes and I loved it a fiercely as you do now.

We took some classes the past couple months and you and I both loved them. First we tried out a swimming class, you love the water and by the end of class could blow some great bubbles in the water. We also went to a 10 week music class. At first you were very shy and wouldn't even play the instruments, but by the end you were running all over, making sounds to the songs, and handing everyone instruments to play. We sing a song before bedtime every night, and lately you have been "singing" with me. Your soft voice is so sweet and when you sing you will slowly close your eyes and lay your head on my chest-- I truly cherish that time with you.

Besides singing you are talking all the time. Most of the time it is in your alien baby language, but there are lots of words and phrases you have been saying. The best is you will hide, not very well I might add, and then jump out and say "there she is!" You also love saying bye-bye, you will look out the window and say bye-bye to every car, bus, person, and bicyclist that passes by. Your other favorite is "no" but I hear that is most kids favorite. You want to be involved in what ever we are doing, I have been letting you "help" me cook and bake, really you just make a mess and laugh a lot. It is fun to let you be independent, if it is very messy!

My little growing girl, most days are so wonderful with you, watching you grow and learn. There are still days when it is hard, when you get frustrated and I can't help you, or you can't tell me what you need. But I know this season will pass, as did many of the hard and wonderful seasons did before. I am trying to soak up all I can of who you are in this moment, your quirks, tantrums, sillies, and soft snuggles.